Callum James's story...
I found out I was pregnant early on, at 4 weeks. I was a new young mum, and all was going well and appeared healthy. We went for the gender scan at 20 weeks, and was told "it's a girl!". However, little man had been playing tricks, as when I had a follow up scan a few weeks later, they confirmed I was pregnant with a boy!
On 10th March 2011, I began experiencing contractions, and was sure my waters had broken, so I called the midwife. They said to wait until the contractions were closer, and to go in the next morning. When I went to be checked the following day, they confirmed I wasn't in labour yet, and my waters were still intact.
My due date came and went. I had a routine midwife appointment a week past my due date, with no sign of labour yet, she told me to go home and rest until a scheduled induction. A few days before my induction date I called the midwife because I had reduced movement, but the midwife didn't seem concerned and reassured me I was worrying over nothing. Being a first time mum I believed her and decided to wait the few days until I was booked in, before seeing anyone.
My induction date finally arrived, 2 weeks past my due date, and I was settled into my room; my boy had been unusually active that morning with kicking! They began my induction process and told me I would be monitored regularly, every 30-60 minutes, but still there was no sign of labour, and I didn't see a midwife for quite some time. A while later I had noticed reduced movements, but again, my concerns were dismissed and I was told everything was surely fine. When the midwife eventually came back, she struggled to find the heartbeat, and I had no idea what was going on. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by midwives trying to find my son's heartbeat. A doctor arrived with the portable ultrasound machine, and that's when we received the devastating news, my son no longer had a heartbeat. I had been left for hours, without any checks, and when I had expressed concerns, I wasn't taken seriously, and then we had our hearts broken.
After being given this news, they told me to go home and come back the next day to start the induction process again. I had pleaded with the doctor to have a c-section but he said "that wouldn't be in my best interest for any future pregnancy." I was so mad he said that, I had just lost my son and he was talking about a future pregnancy, it felt so insensitive.
That night at home I felt numb, I was sure I could feel him moving around in my stomach but it was just wishful thinking. I barely slept. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to deliver my baby when he was gone, and the thought of being greeted with silence terrified me. This wasn't supposed to happen. When I arrived back at the hospital the next day, I was placed in a room that was surrounded by adjacent delivery rooms, where I could hear the new mums with their babies, and it was torture.
I had been on the delivery ward for 36 hours and still there was no sign of my baby arriving. My care had been awful, very rarely a midwife came to check on me, I was unsupported, and traumatised, with no guidance or bereavement support. I felt as though the midwives were avoiding the woman who was waiting to give birth to a silent baby!
After a traumatic and painful labour experience, I gave birth to my beautiful son Callum James, who silently came into the world weighing 6lbs 6oz. Despite my fears, I hardly even noticed the silence. I held him straight away, my heart burst with love, and shattered all at the same time.
The hospital admitted to not following the correct procedures and that's why I lost my beautiful boy. The care I received before, during and after my delivery was awful. I was dismissed, unheard, unsupported and there was a lack of kindness, compassion and communication. My experience has left me with mental, emotional and physical trauma and consequences, a direct result of the medical care I was given.
My grief was and still is so overwhelming, and it has never gotten any better for me. I feel it gets worse every year and there's always another milestone that comes along, and I wonder who he would have been.
Baby loss is people whispering behind your back and crossing the street to avoid you. It's blaming yourself even when deep down you know it wasn't your fault, and a lifetime of what ifs.
My sweet boy Callum James is never forgotten.